New
Help Empower me to use my Voice Please

Hi Everyone!

I need help! Can someone please help me regain my voice. I don't have one when it comes to those I view as having authority over me. I have fogiven the abusers in my past, Father, brother, ex-husband, and most important, myself for re-creating the abuse patterns in my life. But now that I hav moved past the unforgiveness I am really having a problem asserting myself. I'm educated, intelligent, and attractive woman, however, when it comes to people in positions higher than mine, or I perceive as a threat to me, I freeze!!

I recently realized that I remain the victim because I do not know how to defend myself against the wrong done. I mean I know all the laudeedau about "no one can take your power" or "you are the one who is in control of what I say, think, and do" BUT it still does not allow me to voice my opinion without feeling small, or feeling as though my answer is not good enough. I'm actually tired of it! I want to be as free speaking as OPRAH and as open as Hilary, but I have not a clue how???

Recently I was placed into a position where I was being asked to go along with unethical practices within the workplace. I was so afrai of losing my job, (And this has happened countless times in my recovery), that I resort back to the little girl, don't say a damn thing, get mad, and resign. I am left without a job, yet feeling good because I know I did the right thing, but WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!!!!! Ya know, the abuse pattern, keepin' the damn secret safe, while

I am in pain. I need help to learn how to allow my voice to be heard. I'm tired of hiding who I am. Thanks L.
EMAIL

New
I Want to Shine & Love Myself

I am about desperate and really don't know where to turn. I'm a survivor or child abuse/domestice violence and don't know how to recover. I spent a few years of my childhood with an abusive step father and then grew up to date, eventually marry and have three kids with my abuser. For 14 years which makes me feel real stupid for putting up with it so long. I was beaten, mentally and sexually abused in many ways. My children watched it and my oldest (shes almost 19) in now in a very controlling relationship. My other two kids are angry children and i find myself crying about everything. I did leave the situation six years ago but still find myself crying, not trusting anyone, can't seem to make a relationship work, can't keep a job, have a hard time getting off the couch. I am very hard on myself and have no self esteem. I don't know where to turn to get help.

I ruin all relationships i have had friends and boyfriends. My kids and I get along but Its hard to be a mom and say no when you don't have the strength to argue. Im depressed, un happy and blame everyone. I can't seem to stop talking about all the bad and see what i do have. Look ive wasted 20 years of my life on this crap and i want to get better. I am only 35 and would like to have a good rest of my life. Im scared to death to walk out my front door, i hate tension and can't stand to have to go anywhere. It seems like everything goes wrong and I need a job, currently laid off from a job i worked with my exhusband for a year and a half and i just can't get myself to go back now that theres work again.

I meet people and no one can handle me, I'm a mess, they go away. Now i just lay it all out and front and walk away from them. i can't do this anymore and just want to let go of the past and move on with healing and bettering myself before i waste another 20 years feeling sorry for myself and never meet anyone else. I need help bad and don't know the first place to look since most things where i live are for the people currently in d.v. relationships. please if you can put me in the right direction. i want to shine and love myself.
EMAIL

New
A Poem by a Healing Club Member

who is this man
that i have pledged
myself to

he said
be free in our love
to be you

so i do
i am just me
nothing mysterious
nothing held back

all goes well
there is deep love
support
dear kindness

but in an instant he changes

what was it...
a word?
an action?

now he is pure anger
completely distant
coldly withdrawn

no word or action on my part
assuages

i cannot think
or guess
or fathom
or pull from him
what i have done
to warrant this change

i look for any
sign of his love...
draw me to him
smooth the hair from my face
look at me with kindness

but also wretched fear
will he
withdraw his love
and leave me?
EMAIL


New
He reminds me of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde

I don't even know where to begin really. I have been in a relationship for 3 years and I love my fiance so much. And I know that he loves me. He is very sweet and attentive and affectionate, but he also has a dark side and a bad temper. Whenever we fight he gets violent.

The most recent incident was over the weekend. I am still sore today and am having flashbacks from that horrible day. I can't even say that it was the worse fight yet, but maybe it was? I thought I would google a support group for victims maybe looking for answers as to why he does this to me and why do I forgive him each time it happens? He reminds me of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

I'm torn and not certain what to do. We have 1 child in common and 3 from previous relationships. I don't want to break up my home. Maybe if I post this I can start talking to someone?

EMAIL

New
Lost Ability To Have Emotions After Mental Abuse From My Father

I was just wondering if others have lost their ability to have emotions. My father was very abusive, mostly mentally, but physically as well now and then. I say this with no emotion. I don't look back at my abuse with feelings, it is just something that happened. When I was very young I chose to bury my anger. What I didn't realize, at least for me, was that I buried all emotions. I am 35 and never had a relationship. I can't see loving anyone. I will illustrate something to show how I am different. If someone most people are close to died, they would be an emotional wreck; I wouldn't be. I really don't think I love anyone, but if a friend or family member died, I would just think about how this affects me and what things I need to do because of it. I would give a mental response to the event. I know this, because my grandfather died, and besides thinking, "why isn't this affecting me in the least?", I was fine. I am just wondering if anyone had a situation like mine, and eventually was able to feel and develop intimacy? Thank you for listening. Brian

EMAIL

New
We Are Trying to Save Our Daughter

I just found your site and I'm so happy. My 18 year old daughter has been with this young man for one year and we have watched her go from a vibrant, beautiful "social butterfly" to this no friends, angry "third world starved" young woman. We are so heart broken and her being 18 we have little control of the situation to offer advice or support to her. When he came into our lives a year old he seemed like a nice young man. However, he was a little"dark" and came with some "baggage" which he would not explain. He told us vast stories of how bad his life was and how he was mistreated especially by his Mother and we took him at his word.

Later when we finally talked to his Mom we found that his "tale of woe" was a ruse to get "closer" to our daughter. Then it started. We watched all her friends disappear. Yes, they are still there, but they barely talk to her as he is always there watching. He hangs with our daughter and 1 other guy. That's it. In fact, the other has a girlfriend, but she isn't allowed to hangout with them as my daughter's boyfriend doesn't like her. There are so many incidents from this past year that I may post. I just was so glad to find this as right now we are just so down. Tonight we have made an appointment with a counselor to get help...we need it so we can help her...but as much as we hate to face it...it is her decision. We only hope we can get her help before she emotionally disappears. We are so sad.

EMAIL

New
I Want to Understand My Situation

I feel as though I am being verbally and emotionally abused by my husband. I have done much research and have taken several "tests" to see if this applies to me. I really think it has. It just puzzles me because my husband is so nice to everyone else and is a very liked person. I have felt that it was just ME for years, and I would like to correspond with others in a simi liar situation so that I can understand all of this.

EMAIL

New
Man with no self confidence or self esteem due to abuse from family

For years I was emotionally and physically abused by my father and older brother. I'm now a 46 year old man with no self confidence or self esteem.

It seems that my father hated me from the moment I was born. He already had one son; I guess he didn't want another. He used me as his victim and scapegoat until the day he died, and now my brother, who always abused me anyway, is taking up the slack. I feel beaten every day of my life. I still can't break with my family though because I don't have the confidence to go off on my own. You know the story.

My father always told me I wasn't any good. He called my a stupid, ugly a-hole for years. He ran down every idea I ever had. Ironically, he hated me, but wouldn't let me go either. Every time I tried to move out, he would scream at me that I would fail, and I believed him. I had nothing to fight back with.

I come from a family of four, but never felt like a member. I was always left out or singled out for ridicule or other abuse. I was told to "have a sense of humor" about myself. My property was stolen or destroyed, and when I protested, I was told to shut up. It was made very clear that I had no rights and no expectations of respect. I was just a kid. I believed it. I blamed myself.

I'm 46, and just starting to realize that I'm the victim. I've been reading the other stories here. I don't think I'll have to try to convince you that I've been victimized. Thank you for reading this.

EMAIL

New
To Be There or Not to Be There

Hello. I am a troubled soul right now. For the most part, I am a strong together person although I have been through a lot of emotional, verbal, and at one time, physical abuse that almost cost me my life. These days, I am starting at the bottom again and don't know which way to turn. My relationship has been going on for a 22 months. It was great until about two months ago. He is one of the sweetest people I have ever met so the following is rather surprising. My other committed a non violent crime. He has been in jail for weeks now and there is a possibility that he may get to come home with probation charges and fines. Now I am scared because I don't know if I should give him another chance or if he is even being sincere about his remorse and his plan for when he gets out. While in county lock up, he saw a psychiatrist and they started him on medication for some mental disorders. Part of me wants to run for the hills, but the other part wants to be there for him, despite the fact that my life is in shambles now because of the crime he committed. When I sit back and think about it, I worry about my clarity because of past abuse issues. I don't want to be jaded, but I wonder if perhaps I already am. Anyone who has suggestions about how to deal with this would be truly appreciated. Thanks.

EMAIL

New
It's so hard to deal with the personality changes

I feel so stupid and crazy. But I have a higher education and my counselor says I am not crazy. It is so hard to understand how my husband's personality changes and sometimes very quickly. He is almost irresistible when he is being kind. But sooner or later, I say or do something that makes him upset and he is very hard on me. I would really appreciate some feedback on this subject because he is out of the home now and is being so nice to me. Thanks

EMAIL

New
I hate him, but I'm scared to leave

Hi everyone,
I have so much in common with so many of your stories. I started dating my future husband when I was just 15 and married him at 21. He slapped me for the first time the night before we married and our honeymoon was miserable. I don't know why I am still with him. Our 10 year anniversary is coming up and we have a 5 year old little boy. My family acts like I am crazy when I complain about him. They tell me he could be so much worse. But sometimes he is so mean to me I cannot even think! He has called me every name there is and he manipulates everything. It is all my fault, anything that goes wrong.

I just hate him but I am scared to leave. I am scared someday my son will hate me for taking him away from his dad. I am just so confused, I don't know which end is up, I doubt everything I feel and think. I don't know what to do. I have asked him to leave and he won't. He doesn't drink or do drugs, he keeps a job, he doesn't cheat. He is just terribly mean to me and disrespectful and angry. He says I have problems and am too sensitive and that he treats me better than all his friends treat their wives. Help me!

EMAIL

New
He's so emotionally abusive

I don't know what to do, I'm so confused. He's so emotionally abusive, much worse than he's ever been and I feel helpless. I know that I need to make him leave for our children and for myself, but I feel so weak. I know I'll be so much happier without him and I know I made a huge mistake and this time when he leaves I know now that I will never take him back. I need better than this. I am better than this. (He tells me how I feel is wrong, that I have a shitty personality, when I cry and am hurt it's not because of what he says to me...it's because of ME!!) I hate this, I hate him. What should I do? How should I do it?

Please help, I feel so empty when he's here...he's taking away my friends and family. Why do I keep going back? I feel so stupid and insane for making myself go through this again. I should've known. Someone, anyone please respond and help me through this.

EMAIL

New
I Realize that I Don't Trust Anymore

Some of the other postings here nearly described my year with my ex, 8
months living with him, yet they were full of physical abuse as well and
ended with an assault that could have taken my life.
I thought I was going crazy too, he sounded so reasonable and logical and
made me feel like an idiot.

I'm in a whole new place now- it was only 6 months ago- I'm in counseling,
go to a group, and have a group of friends who I can turn to, and it's just
recently that I am realizing that I don't trust anymore, that I expect to be
stabbed in the back by sup rise, that I don't fully comprehend what happened
to me, how it happened and how it effects my life now. It has in so many
ways and it's painful to see the effects. I have to remind myself that it's
ok to feel the pain and hurt because then I can work on pinpointing the
origin of those feelings and how to deal with them. But it is very
depressing. It's all so complicated. Some days I am overwhelmed and others
I am radiant with hope and joy for the future.

The hardest part is not comprehending how it all affects me and will affect
me. I feel like it wasn't me that all happened to, but someone else. It's
difficult to state: He did this and it hurt me and it was wrong. I sort of
feel lost. In some circles it's normal to get beaten, in others it's
completely rare, the club beating was a culmination of lifelong denial of
abuse and has made me stop and take a serious look at what got me to that
point. It's not a pretty thing to look at.

It's nice just to find a site that shares this understanding. Thanks.

EMAIL

Six years ago, I met the perfect man. He was attentive and sweet. We could talk about anything, and we did. Now that we have been married for five years, he doesn't seem to care about my emotional needs. When I try and talk to him, he constantly turns the table and insists that I am doing something to him.

I was once a "Free Spirit," but now I am stuck at home, working all day (I work from home), and I never get to communicate with anyone. I truly miss myself.

When I try and tell him how I am feeling, he quickly turns on me. He gets angry and starts yelling. He tells me that I am crazy, but I know I'm not. I raised two well-adjusted sons and put them through college. I did this alone. They are now on their own and I'm very proud of them.

I have considered leaving, but I keep trying to get my husband to hear me. I have had no success to date. I want to talk to someone that may be going through something similar--anyone!
EMAIL

Need to be emotionally sound when I leave

Hi...I am 37 yrs old and have been married to an abusive man for 21 years. The first 7 years he was very physical. I fled and stayed gone for a year, things got hard financially, emotionally, and life was hard just in general. We ended up getting back together, things seemed OK at first I had become pregnant with twins immediately. Then his mood swings started, I would try to explain to my kids and my friends that he was just in a bad mood, now realizing I was just excusing his behavior and even encouraging it.

My husband worked out of town and was only home on the weekends. I guess in my mind I had 5 days of peace and I could manage through the weekends. so I did for years. My children would always manage to have plans to go spend the night at friends and such. I have always been active, outgoing, and just happy. 4 years ago my doctor put me on anti-depressants. I knew something wasn't right, but it wasn't something I could explain or even share with others. I fought the depression and started going to the gym and trying to control it with the foods I ate, and it helped. But he became more aggressive verbally.

He made me quit my job, because he felt I needed to be at home to take care of the more important things. That was over a year ago, I have begged him to let me go back to work, but he makes me feel self fish for wanting to go back to work. My friends or family don't come around because he makes them feel uncomfortable. If I make plans to go visit he tells me you know I don't like them, and if I go anyway, he finds anything to complain about and will not show me any real affection for a couple of weeks. He has threatened to take my keys away, cut all my phones off.

In the past year I have become a bit of a hermit, I feel isolated from friends, and uncomfortable around people. The things I used to enjoy I am not interested in them now. I have become someone I don't know and I don't care to know. I could no longer cope with my feeling of worthlessness. I couldn't deal with his insults and demeaning attitude towards me I finally went to him and asked if we could get some marriage counseling. He told me he didn't need any counseling he was not the one with the problem I was.
I started counseling ...things that I thought were normal in a relationship, were not. I have been raped by my husband I have been drug around the house by my hair, I have been choked until I couldn't breath, I have been told I am worthless as a mother a wife and as a person.

What happens to a person to think that these things are normal? Years and years of emotional abuse. Now I am angry for what I have allowed him to do to me and my self-esteem. I am on the road to recovery. I am still battling depression, but I am strong-minded. I am rebuilding my self-esteem rebuilding my mind. I need to be emotionally sound for when I leave, for my kids and for myself. My counselor is awesome and has been through this herself. I know my life is going in a new direction. Finally I feel there is hope and help for me and others like me.

EMAIL

How do I let go and move on?

I met a man 5 years ago and instantly fell in love. Well, actually I
wanted to take it slow but he pushed it hard (hook them in quick) and
it was so wonderful I didn't do what I wanted which was to take some
time to date and figure out what I wanted. At 34 he was my first love.
Anyway right off the bat something was wrong. We made love and then
two days later when I wouldn't see him he came to my house and was
freaking out asking to come in. I refused to let him in and he left.
Then I stopped by his house. He was totally freaked out. He pulled me
in the house and said I needed to hold him and tell him it was ok. He
totally crazy and on a head trip. He scared me because I was so afraid
he was a whacko. I ran. He yelled, "Don't leave me" like some
injured person. It was so weird. I was shaking and physically scared.

The problem was that I was very attracted to him. He was everything I
ever wanted. Successful, fun, romantic, a passionate lover. I thought
we liked the same things and wanted the same things in life. So I
eventually called him and that began the 4 year romance. On the
surface our romance was wonderful. The best in my life as I had not
had good experiences in the past. There were red flags though. He had
lived with his ex for 9 years and not committed to her. He told me how
she was mean and self-centered. How he was so miserable he started
smoking pot and would cry himself to sleep. (oh and by the way that is
eventually what he said about me. He blamed me for his need to smoke
pot because I made him so miserable) He would use manipulation to make
me feel bad. If I tried to have input on things to work on on his
house he shut me down right away. He was clingy, he wanted to spend
all his time with me. He would get weird about other guys. He'd say
that guy was flirting with me or that he didn't want me to hangout with
that guy afraid that I would run off with him. After the pedestal
period of about 6 months he started putting me down in such a subtle
way that I just didn't get that it was happening. He'd be this
wonderful man that would do everything for me which now I figure was
just a way of maintaining control by being indispensable and making me
dependent on him. He devoted his life to me which on one level was
flattering but on another it was obsessive.

He'd tell me that I wasn't sensitive enough. That my mother was a
bitch and no wonder I had so many problems with my anger which was
getting worse because every time I tried to have an opinion or input he
would negate it and say things like "I'm the engineer you just let me
take care of that". He would tell me what to do and how to do it and
when I would get mad he would accuse me of being "the angry one with
the problem". Towards the end he would bait me to get me angry and
then use it as an excuse to say how bad I was and how if I didn't
change he would leave me. He even jokingly put me down and told me I
just didn't understand his sense of humor. He told me maybe he needed
a scientific minded woman because then when he said how to do something
she would agree with him.

Another instance toward the end was I threw a birthday party for him.
The week before on his actual birthday I made him a cake, got him a
present, and cooked him dinner. Then he wanted to watch the basketball
game. I didn't. It was the one thing I just didn't want to do with
him. All he remembered was that I didn't want to watch the game and
then he did the silent punishment for a couple of weeks which included
flirting with one of our friends and being totally mesmerized by her
the entire evening at a birthday party I threw for him. I thought he
was just punishing me. A week later he tried to break up with me. I
talked him out of it and there was this look of triumph and regained
control in his eyes.

Everything was about controlling me. I'm strong willed and just never
quite gave in but it did take a huge toll on my self-esteem. I fought
back, I was tense, stressed out, angry, and physically ill the entire 7
months we lived together before splitting. He was never physically
assault. Two times when I wouldn't back down he got this look of
intense rage and started to shake. It scared the hell out of me and he
must of saw the look in my eyes because he said "Don't look at me that
way" It was like he wanted to hit me or something. It was like he was
about to loose control but didn't quite.

Anyway I finally just gave up. I couldn't be what he wanted. I was
emotionally drained. I was depressed and miserable. I just couldn't
take it anymore. I was angry all the time. I cried a lot. I was
reacting to other situations way out of proportion to the situations.
He wanted me to give up the one thing I wouldn't give up and put me
down for it. He was trying to isolate me but always sounded so
reasonable. But the real drag is I still blame myself. If I hadn't
been so angry. If I hadn't been so busy. If I was a better person he
wouldn't have left me. I know it isn't true but I just can't seem to
get past the low self-esteem. Every time I think of dating someone else
I get filled with anxiety, I get depressed and scared. I think will I
be able to see if they are users and abusers? Will I be the horrible
person he said I am? What do I do to recover? How do I let go and
move on?

EMAIL

How do I support a man who has been emotionally abused?

I am dating a man who has been divorced for about 5 years. His ex's behavior sounds emotionally abusive, though he has never right out used the term.

Recently I have started noticing him displaying some of the exact behaviors he had the most difficulties with when he was with her. I know that this sort of mimicry often occurs in abuse survivors. He still maintains a relationship with her through their children, and has had at least one relationship in the interim that was similarly abusive.

How do I help and support him though this phase of his healing without putting myself in danger or getting too close to his triggers. He is in therapy, but doesn't talk about it.

EMAIL

I hurt more now that he's gone

I am now out of a violent marriage, the divorce was final 5 months ago. He is in jail for 2 1/2 years for what he did to me, his second go around of the jail system. Trouble is I seem to hurt more now that he is in jail, than I did while I was married to him. I guess it is because then I was so busy trying to survive that I just didn't feel the hurt as much as now.

I do have a restraining order for 6 years for myself and our son (2 yrs) but he has broken it several times, I seem to lack the want to call and report it. I miss him so much, and yet I am positive that if he came back home I will be dead in a matter of time. Yet I want him back so much. The bad's were bad but the goods were so extremely good. Anyway...I am trying counseling, and journal a lot, I sometimes participate in a really good divorce support on-line group, but it doesn't reach the beaten down, broken person in me that his violence inflicted on me (and I do know the difference, my first marriage, 22 yr, ended from repeated infidelities on his part, the second one after 4 yrs only after he was going to jail and I didn't know what else to do......)

I want him. I am ridiculous to want him because he did try to kill me several times...but I know him to be good inside too....

I am so confused and hurt and so tired of hurting. I tried just going out with other men,(since the divorce), but every time they even touch me in any way (my arm or anything), or give me anything, or start to get interested in me...my skin crawls and I have to run for cover. I don't want to be alone for forever....but I don't know how to heal either..

help!!! what do I do to regain sanity? I'm not stupid, I have a BA in psych and religious studies...but I am incapable of coherent thought .
EMAIL

I've learned to stop doubting myself

I am struggling to believe i did the right thing, left my home everything i own, trying to rebuild, closer to my family but far from every other reality i've been building stability on for my self and my 4 yr old.

2000 miles away, and really trying to figure out how to go back until tonight, i receive a phone call from a man i know back there, whose ex is currently rooming with my (abusive) ex, along with their 5 yr. old girl.

He expressed every concern that i had ever had with the integrity of my abusive ex partner. well, its taken him about three weeks to see what it took me two years to be live i was seeing. He asked me questions and i told him everything. I told him that his instincts were the thing to trust and that mine had told me the same thing. He in fact was able to summarize my doubts and fears better than i had.

We both felt that he was not safe around the little girl. i mean, no one wants to accuse another of sexual misconduct without good substantial proof. But, he's so manipulative, such a great liar, wow. There can only be these feelings, this instinct to keep your daughter away from him. i left with my 2 kids, one is our 1 yr old girl. i can never really express that a vague but persistent worry has haunted me since she was born.

Tonight i am thankful. I can stop doubting myself, and next time i wont need some kind of back up to trust myself. I just will. And i will have faith in what is to come, because God is too creative to just leave a life in what appears to be shambles.
EMAIL

Because I didn't have a driver's license, I had to depend on him for everything until I turned 18. The day I got my license I was so nervous I wasn't able to parallel park--a standard with no power steering or brakes that I had never driven before. As soon as we left the DMV he pulled to the curb and told me that I WOULD parallel park right here, right now. We'd been married for less than 3 months at this time. It hurt my feelings, but he told me I was just "being too sensitive." I know everyone has heard this before, too.

We moved apartments 4 times in less than 3 years. Every time I would make friends and feel comfortable, we moved, and somehow I would "lose" everyone's phone numbers. I slowly became his whole world, and without realizing it, he became mine. Which is exactly what he wanted--where he wanted me. I didn't have friends anymore, because every time I would make new friends, he would run them off or they would stop coming around because they couldn't stand the way he treated me. I always said it was just because he loved me so much that he wanted me with him all of the time and didn't want to share me with anyone.

I had been married to the same man for 15 years. Last Friday, (June 24, '05) I left. I waited until he left for work and took everything I thought I could get away with. I saw a lawyer and served him papers. I took half the bank account and had my direct deposit switched through my company. I took our 8 year old son. I have an apartment that I had a queen sized bed, a TV and stand, and a twin bed. I had no idea how I was going to survive on my own.

But the people I worked with and know have seen my personality with and without him. I now (by Wednesday of the next week) have a washer and dryer, a complete bedroom set for my son, a recliner, a dining room table, rugs, towels, dishes, lamps--more than I ever thought possible.

DON'T STOP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!!!

I thought that I was worthless, that I could never make it on my own, that no one else could ever love me like he did, that I should stay and not "tear our family apart." It's not easy. But I remember the reason I left in the first place.

Those of you who need a hypothetical kick in the butt, remind yourselves that you are WORTH LIVING FOR. And if you think that the mind games will ever stop, especially those of you with children, just remember this--I have been a doormat my ENTIRE life. I've let pretty much everyone walk all over me. But I have someone that can't stand up for himself. I can do anything for him.

I already have.
EMAIL

On the Road to Healing

I have been out of my marriage for a year. I am just now realizing the effects my ex's abuse had on me, mainly emotional and verbal. I never realized I was abused while I was in the situation. I am on the road to healing.
EMAIL

The Cycle

I was reading through the other stories and started to cry because I could relate in one way or another with everyone here. I currently live in a domestic violence shelter in Oregon. I've been here for about three weeks now. So far things seem to be getting worse and I feel as if the only thing keeping me going is my three kids, and they are wonderful kids. I'm really grateful for that. I have a long history with my abuser.

Him and I met in California thirteen years ago. I was only nineteen. We had a child together back then who is twelve now. After two years with him I left in the middle of the night with my son and went to stay in the most horrible shelter i've ever been in my entire life. Due to circumstances, I ended up letting him have custody of my son. After a year of trying to make the visitation thing work I decided to relocate to Seattle with the man I was dating (who also turned out to be an abuser, but that's a whole different story).

I married that man and had two more children before we divorced. My son's father moved to Oregon and we started to have contact again. Lured with the promises of how good we could have been and how mistakes happen, I moved to Oregon to be with him. Things went well for awhile until he convinced me it was time to buy a house. Money was a factor so he convinced me that we should buy a ranch out in the middle of nowhere. No power, no water, no house. This was around the time he decided to quit his job as an accountant...and start delivering the paper. LOL... I some point I put my foot down and bought us a manufactured home to put on the ranch. At the same time my doctor found cancer on my cervix.

My abuser refused to hire a moving crew saying that it was too expensive. So, one week out of surgery there I was underneath this house mounting axles and tires. After that things just got worse...I was thoroughly convinced that if i didn't do everything possible that he wanted that I was a bad wife. Even his family(my only support system here)believes this, because they are strongly Christian and good wives support their husbands and are submissive. ...But no one during this hypocrisy ever seems to remember that i'm not really married to him, he just likes to say that we are for appearances. So anyway, it only gets worse after I leave.

I've been gone now three weeks. completely uprooted the kids and almost lost my job due to missing work. Starting over. All the possessions I had, gone. I took my car, some clothes, and the kids. My car has since been vandalized and destroyed (any guesses on who might be behind that?)
EMAIL

I am well on my way back to self respect

I am 22 years old and I am a survivor of a 5 year abusive relationship. The man was 17 years older than me . I met him when I was seventeen and I thought he was the most charming man in the world. He treated me with respect. He took me out very often. He made me feel like was the most important thing in the world to him. He told me he loved me and I believed him. About 1 year into the relationship I found out that there was another woman. A girl that had was 20 and had been with him since she was 12. He left me alone for a while because the pressure was too grate but he came back and told me he loved me and I believed him.

He told me that it was over between them and that he could not live with out me. Because I was inexperienced he used sex to control me. It was the only way he showed me he cared. he no longer took me out any more . I was forced to stay in the house while he ran the streets with women. When I questioned him about his cheating I was beat or accused of being a whore and a slut. On Monday I was his wife (or at least that was the term he would used), however, on Wednesday I was a slut ( accused of sleeping with everyone under the sun).

The sad thing is after years of this emotional abuse I really wanted to be with this man . I loved him and I thought if I hung in there no matter what he would change and be the same way he was when we first met. The cheating and disrespect just was out of control to the point where I felt as though being with him was a competition. One girl would buy him a ring, I would buy him a bracelet , the next would buy him a car.

I couldn't take it , he was using me. We now have a 1 year old child together and he is no longer in my life. I have to be a example for me children . I had to make a decision about my life and I chose happiness. I will never let a man treat me that way again. It will take a while to gain all my self respect back but I am well on my way.
EMAIL

Now I am focusing, I am looking and researching help for me, the victim, and not the why this is happening, how to understand how he got like this, and how to help him stop destroying my soul. I have to learn how to rebuild and understand why I have been a victim. How do I trust myself and have the faith and joy in life I have lost, even forgotten. I know the glimmer is there, but it is fading everyday I try to make this marriage somehow work on the inside like it only seems to be from the outside.

The cruelties and intimidations have escalated over the years, and especially this last year as I first began to say no. I fear what will come when I file. I fear what if come if I don't. I keep having feelings of guilt because after all these years of researching his stuff, I know he can't help it unless there is a miracle in his perceptions, and I am giving up obsessing on finding a path for him.

Potential isn't a reality based reason to keep on keeping on. I see how sick I have become, and I want healing and my life back.
EMAIL

Emotional Abuse, please help. Will this only get worse?

Hi. I wish I knew where to start.

I'm 23 years old and newly married. My husband and I met last August (04) and were married in November (04). It was very fast as you can see. I need some help and I'm very hesitant in even knowing what's going on. We've been married now for only 6 months. He lost his job about 2 weeks after we were married and hasn't been able to get one since. (Partially his fault, he isn't as motivated as some, and he is extremely picky about where he wants to work.)

I don't discourage him, but try to be a motivator. I've always been a very light-hearted, patient, and tactful person. So I can never tell him he should have a job by now, although I think he should. He gets very depressed and from that seems to stem a lot of anger. I'm really not sure. He doesn't like to talk about it, or when he does he says he doesn't know why he gets so angry.

He now lives away from family and his friends and lives in my environment. We tried living in the state where his family is from, but he didn't like that either. He wanted a move and thought that might make job hunting easier as well. No luck so far. He gets so angry at the littlest things. So far he's never laid a hand on me but I can't say that he never will. I wish I could, but I truly don't know if he'd ever get that angry. For example, the other day my brother was having a house-warming party that started at 5.

My husband wanted to see a movie before it started, and this was to start at 3:30. We got there and he was muttering and driving insanely trying to find a parking space. The whole time blaming me that we were getting there right at 3:30. I told him while he parked I'd get the tickets. I did, and had them by 3:30. He walked up and didn't make eye contact and with an icy tone said, "we might as well just get the later tickets or not go at all." I can't help but think how silly this sounds when I recount the whole situation but it's the way it's said and how often I'm blamed for such little things.

Sometimes if we're late by a minute or two to something, or he accidentally drops his keys or I forgot his notepad at home I get yelled at, or the silent treatment, or worse he will hit things. He punches walls, desks, wall clocks. He's pulverized our couch because he gets angry while playing play station games. Also, I ask that he respect my wishes of not cursing or at least to keep it to a minimum if possible (when I say cursing I mean in a rage, cursing so that it can be heard down the street over something so trivial it shouldn't matter).

:( I'm sad writing this for how silly it all sounds, but it affects me so much. I don't feel respected. And I feel sooooo unhappy. What makes it worse, I try and try to talk it out with him, and he goes into a fit of how much he hates himself and how bad of a husband he is, and how he doesn't do anything right. I don't want to hear that either!!!! Sometimes he says that I'm trying to change him, which I'm not, I love him very much.... but I can't handle feeling this sad and scared sometimes :( What can I do? Will this only get worse? PLEASE HELP.
~GiG
EMAIL

I believe I have went through every type of abuse you can imagine during our 7 years of marriage. I went through the physical abuse only twice, but it was two times too many! The verbal and emotional abuse was a daily occurrence. I have also went through social/economical abuse where my husband would try to keep me isolated from friends and family and had complete control over family finances, to the point where I had to beg money from him to get things I would need, including but not limited to personal hygiene items or food.

I felt depressed, and being a christian, I even began to blame God for my predicament. I remember crying in our bathroom while my husband was going through one of his rages outside the locked bathroom door, and I asked God, "Why am I going through this? You said you loved your children! I NEVER did anything to deserve this!! Why me??"

For a long time, I didn't even realize I was in an abusive relationship. He never actually hit me. His response was grabbing me. When I finally realized that HE had a serious problem and that it was never going to change unless HE decided to make the change (which I knew he wouldn't) I finally left. I told him that until he truly gets help for his anger issues and makes a lifetime commitment to get that help, our marriage is over. Well, actually I said all of that in a "Dear John" letter that I left behind when I left him. I knew if I said it face to face, he would sweet talk me into staying like he always had in the past. He knew just how to work me. He would dangle "love" in front of me, then snatch it back until he thought I was "worthy" and deserved it.

I know now it is a God given right for a woman to be loved and cherished, not to be mistreated. If men really read what that Bible TRULY says regarding how a husband should treat his wife, there would be some changed marriages out there. "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church" has SO MUCH meaning. Christ loved the church so much He died for it. And husbands are supposed to love their wives the same way.

I have built my self-esteem from the ground up again. I still have my moments of doubt and insecurity, but I've learned ways of getting past it. I now have taken my experience to try and help others. I counsel women who are going through this same things I did, letting them know they do have options and they can make it without the abuser. I also give domestic violence lectures at a local high school (done 3 so far), trying to reach the teens before they wind up in a situation like I had been through. And if they find themselves in that situation, THERE IS HELP! :)

Thank you for letting me share my story. Anyone that wants to email me or needs someone to just listen, feel free to email me. :)
EMAIL

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR EVERYONE

Hi Everyone,

I’m a 47 year old woman and I think the internet is very helpful. If the internet was available when I was younger and still struggling through the worst part of my recovery, I don’t think I would have suffered as much. The silence I endured was deafening. I’d like to share my story briefly. When I
was 9 years old, my dad died suddenly of a brain aneurism. Ten months later, my mom re-married and my new stepfather physically and emotionally tortured my brothers and me on a daily basis for nearly seven years. Mom watched him, defended him and at times even participated with him in the abuse. When I was twelve years old, my mother and stepfather decided to
divorce during a “heat of the moment” situation. Moments later, my mother prodded me to ask him to stay. Wanting desperately to please my mother, I did as she instructed. My stepfather did stay and he escalated his violence towards my brothers and me.

From that moment on, my mother and my brothers blamed me for every beating, all of our abuse and every choice and decision my mother ever made.

When my mother and stepfather finally did divorce, mom continued to date/marry & divorce a string of abusive men; all of whom abused my younger siblings. I tried to help them, but everyone in my family
attacked and blamed me.

Long into my adulthood, I struggled with healing
amidst the pressure from others to forgive and forget.
The constant pressure to forgive my mother greatly interfered with my recovery. I needed my story validated. I needed the time to get angry, to mourn and to protect myself and my siblings from further abuse. Yet, no one would acknowledge my abuse and every one continued to blame me. After more than a decade of struggling to heal and forgive, I gave up on forgiving, severed all ties with my family and set a course for recovery. I have finally reached a place of “emotional freedom”. It’s been more than 12 years since I have seen my family; yet, after putting myself first, self-preservation first and healing first, I am finally at a more peaceful and forgiving place.

Since I was always looking for help with my situation and my recovery was the biggest struggle of my life, I wrote the book I was always looking for and fortunately, a publisher picked it up. I hope it helps others. Let me know if it does.

Heal and Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse, by Nancy Richards with a foreword by Rev. Dr. Marie M. Fortune chronicles my story of abuse, my struggle to heal and forgive and ultimately guides the reader
through the necessary steps to achieve forgiveness in
the face of abuse.

For more information: http://www.bluedolphinpublishing.com/HealForgive.html
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1577331583

Warm regards,
Nancy
EMAIL

He is harming my self-esteem

I have been married for 15 years we have an 11-year old son and a 9-year old daughter. My husband was recently arrested, fined, and jailed for 48 hours for touching unconsenting women, which has a name-paraphilias-Frotteurism. There had been things in the past with my sisters and a friend but i had no idea that he was doing this to other women in public places. When he was caught he lied to me about the whole thing. He plead guilty quickly so that i would not find out. An anonymous caller informed me that my husband was arrested-not him-he lied and said that he had pushed someone. He has lied to me over many things in the past but this time i made him leave and go back to his mom's. I'm 34 and he is 33. Over the years he has emotionally abused me with controlling where i go, who i talk to, and a lot of things that I didn't i didn't even realize that he was controlling.

He manipulates me. I am depressed and have been started on Zoloft and Xanax. He also was started on Zoloft. He is getting psychiatric help and so i am. Our psychologist that i agreed to go to said that maybe we could try to date again. Okay we tried this and he ended up staying here again even though he knew it wasn't what i wanted. I made him leave again 2 days ago. I told him that I needed space and some time to think this out but he will not leave me alone. He calls me every day and comes to my kids' ball games in the evenings not to watch them but more to be with me. He is still trying to control and manipulate me. I have low self-esteem and have always given into his dominant personality.

He begs me and cries and even though it breaks my heart I know that I need some time away from him and this has to stop. I don't want to have to get a restraining order. He says that he will stay away from me, but he doesn't, and I'm not sure that he ever will. He has broken my heart and my trust. He says that he will change but doesn't seem to understand that this will take time. How can i make him understand what this has done to me? Don't know what to do, sometimes i still just want to give in to make him happy, but realize this isn't going to make me happy. I do love him i think, but he won't even give me time to see if i do or not.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He is controlling our son in the same manner sometimes and i see that it is starting to harm my kids self-esteem even. How do you make it stop without getting drastic?
EMAIL

Since then he has pretty much cut me off from all my friends, is hardly ever home, controls all the money and has managed to make me feel like I'm less than nothing! As a single mother before I didn't have much but now if I leave I will have even less. I can't find a job in this country because by their standards; I'm too old. I don't think it's fair to keep moving the kids from one country to the next. Moving here has already put them one year behind in school because of the language issue and if we were to go back they would be even further behind because their english is now really bad. The option of staying here is minimal since I am not a native. Most of the abuse from him is verbal but he has hit me in the past. The last time being just 3 days prior to last christmas and I still have bumps from that one. He has also threatened to kill me and at times I almost wish he would so I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore but I refuse to leave my kids behind with him.

Any advice or anyone willing to lend their ear just to listen would be nice. Thank you and take care all!
EMAIL

10 Years in the Dark

I am 19 years old, and having a hard time dealing with my past.
when i was in second grade, my mother pulled me out of a private school and began "home schooling" me. the truth of the situation, however, was that she just stopped schooling me altogether. i had never been a normal child...was never allowed to have friends over after school...go anywhere at all without a parent, even my own backyard, but when my mother pulled me out of school,...all contact with the outside world ceased. i was forced to stay inside at all times, i was not even allowed to walk in front of windows during school hours, and on the rare occasion that my mother did remove me from the house...say, for a doctor visit about every three years or so, she told me to duck down in the seat until we were well out of our neighborhood, and then, depending upon what town we were in, i was told to say that i went to a different school. this practice of lying and isolation made it impossible for me to have friends, or anything approaching a normal life. i feel that my social skills have been severely stunted...and am extremely bitter about having lost my entire childhood (age 7 to 17) do not know what to do with all these feelings. Please help! Thank you.
EMAIL

I just need someone to listen

I have been searching for a support group off and on for a while. I just need a place to go when I need someone to listen. Quick replies welcome.
EMAIL

I am Very Depressed and I don't know where to turn

Hello--I am 31 years old and have been with the same man for 10 years. We have four children together (one in heaven). He is mean, verbally, he calls me all kinds of names. He calls me fat, ugly, lazy, stupid. In the ten years we have been together, he has never ever once told me I looked nice, or I was beautiful.

He has hit me, kicked me, pushed me, left bruises, and he once told me he wishes I'd kill myself so he didn't have to go to prison.

Lately, he has been better, he tries to control his anger, he only calls names and gets mad over everything.

Am I crazy or what? Either I am crazy or he is really good at turning things around to be my fault. I am very depressed and I don't know where to turn, I just need someone to talk to. I can't tell my mom anything cause she's mom, she will always take my side no matter what. Someone help me, I am going to lose my mind. Shelly
EMAIL

I don't want him anymore but I don't want to be by myself either
My name is Michelle and I am a 34 year old woman with an 8 year old daughter. I have lost of feeling for my husband because of 17 years of emotional abuse. He has hit me a few times but for the most part it was emotional. I tried to leave him 3 times so far this year. I hate my life and I hate this fear of being alone. I don't want him anymore but I don't want to be by myself either. I have told him many times that I don't love him anymore, he cries and begs and I give in. I stay here out of guilt and fear. Guilt of breaking up our family and Fear of being al alone.

I'm so tired of it all.

I would appreciate any feedback from any ladies who have been in my position.

Thank you
EMAIL

Looking For Support from Healing Club Members

Hello, I would like to know more about how your support system works because I lived in an abusive relationship and only just am beginning to understand the effects that it took on me.

I need help, in that when I feel bad, I would like to talk to other people, men or woman, to feel a common denominator in that they would understand where I am coming from.
EMAIL

I'm a Shattered Shell of my Former Self

I am finally awake to the fact that the man I married last June does not love me. He married me for the money from the sale of my house. He has abused me in every way possible, on every level. I feel shattered. I'm a shell of my former self. I was fooled by the carrots of love and a wonderful life together that he dangled out of my reach since I met him. And this is after 7 years of recovery from my first abusive marriage. I am in therapy, but I can barely get through the day any longer. I'm trying so hard to hold on, at least for the sake of my children, but this emotional pain is unbearable. If anyone can offer support, I'd be very grateful.
EMAIL

We are on our own!

I don't wanna play house...
There are 3 beautiful little girls that have to be proud we are on our own again. The littlest is a month old. My four year old came home from school a couple weeks ago and asked me to do her a favor and get her a daddy for a father daughter craft activity. My 12 year old is getting at that age where she really needs to know that when someone says they love you, they would never hurt you. Sometimes I know my girls wish things were the way they were before but "before" was scary. I hope I'm doing the right thing for all of us.
EMAIL

Having Trouble Healing?

I am 29 years old, recently divorced from a physically and emotionally abusive man. We were together for a total of 8 1/2 years and married for 3. I have an order of protection against him and have had no contact since June 1, 2004, however I am having trouble healing from everything that's happened. I still feel weak at times, though I know that leaving him has been liberating for me. I find myself reliving bad memories and sometimes when this happens, I get emotional at inappropriate times, such as at work, in a meeting, etc. I just want some type of closure and wish to talk to others who have similar experiences.
EMAIL

Why Does it Hurt so much?

I have known for a long time that I am in an abusive relationship (of the verbal controlling kind). I don't understand why I got into it in the first place and why I can't get out of it.

I have just spent the last hour or so reading about abusive relationships and need help. I believe I love the man, but am not married to him and we don't even live in the same country. I want to know why it hurst so much. Where do I even start to get over it?
EMAIL

On the road to healing

I have been out of my marriage for a year. I am just now realizing the effects my ex's abuse had on me, mainly emotional and verbal. I never realized I was abused while I was in the situation. I am on the road to healing. Laura
EMAIL

Crazy Man

A person I met over a year ago has always been quite nice to me. He's been generous, affectionate, and there for me. He has a problem with taking pieces of my jewelry and putting them in places in my house where he knows I will find them eventually, or not. I blame him for taking them, and he tells me that I'm the one that doesn't know what I'm doing with my jewelry, and I misplace them, and then there is anger. He is driving me totally crazy by telling me that I have a problem and he is the innocent one. We then breakup and then he calls me in tears. I just don't know what this kind of behavior is all about. I have hidden my jewelry, but he seems to find it. I don't keep pearl earrings in the bag of cosmetic sponges in my bath vanity! Carol
EMAIL

12 years of emotional abuse

I need support to get out of a 12 year emotional abusive relationship. The physical abuse has stopped, but depression now i sink into i know is caused by staying in this false dream of him changing too long.

We live apart, but loneliness because my self esteem is down keeps me dependant on this false dream i live in.
EMAIL

Trying to break the silence

Just trying to break the silence. Don't want to turn my life upside down unnecessarily, but need someone to talk to. Have very little time to access help.
EMAIL

Encouraging Comment to members

I had been a victim of abuse/violence when I was growing up. I have been subjected to various types of violence such as physically, sexually and mental. I am currently living with my fiance and we are expecting our first child in about 2 weeks. I am currently going to school for psychology and plan to help those who have been victims themselves. I am on my journey of healing, but much still needs to be overcome. I believe God has brought me through this, and I will turn the negative experiences into positive.
EMAIL

Need support and encouragement

I am just now realizing that the relationship I'm in has signs of becoming an abusive one, and have decided to leave it. I need some support and encouragement.
EMAIL